12 definitions by Albert Woods

Top Definition
An insatiable cum-guzzling nympho who, not satisfied with a generous mouthful, dives under the blankets foraging for any stray jism blobs (sometimes next morning).
Peregrine: 'I'm worried about our sex life. Lady Isobel keeps disappearing under the bedclothes.'

Quentain: 'Don't be. She's probably a blanket crawler.'
#jism #cum #gobble #wad #protein
by Albert Woods September 13, 2007
Excessively fat jowels that hang from the face and meet under the chin in a cleavage reminiscent of a huge arse.
'My 28 stone wife has enormous chuttocks. If it wasn't for her endless talking, I'd never know which end is which.'
#cleavage #buttocks #lardy #huge #arse
by Albert Woods October 01, 2007
Noun and Verb.

N: A shuftee - sexual deviant (of either sex) who gains gratification from sniffing recently-used ladies bicycle saddles in hot weather.

Vb: To shuftee - To place the flared nostrils on the horn of a freshly-used ladies bicycle saddle on a sweltering hot day, inhale deeply through the nose and collapse in a miasma of orgasmic delight.
'Just look at him coming all over her rear mudguard: the filthy shuftee'

'How dare you shuftee my Raleigh Superior!'
'Is it yours, Miss Widdecombe? Oh God - I thought it belonged to Miss Lumley.'

#shufti #whang #saddle #sniffer #mackerel
by Albert Woods September 20, 2007
Pronounced like onion with 'Gr' in front, and usually in the plural.

Singular: - A left (or right) sailor's testicle that has been grossly inflated by a true 'blow' job in some stinking back-street Asian or Arab port during shore leave.

Plural - (Gronions) The worst scenario. Both balls about to explode through over-inflation, usually brought about by the aforesaid vicious fellatio, but with the added intervention of the house madam sticking a finger up the rectum at the same time.
Ship's Doctor:

'You seem to have a severe case of the Gronions'.


'Is there any cure?'

Ship's Doctor:

'No; but if you're willing, I suggest you donate one to Arsenal and the other to Man. U.'
#balls #swollen #fellatio #explosion #nuts
by Albert Woods September 08, 2007
1: A term people use when they mean the exact opposite.

2: The perfect get-out in tricky conversations.
'Where, on earth, did you manage to find naturally produced meat balls, Fiona?'

'In Sainsburys.'

'I assume you've remembered me in your will?'

#green #global #sainsburys #gronions #bullshit
by Albert Woods September 08, 2007
Adjective with variable, or no, meaning; used to flummox one's superiors and betters who will not admit to their total ignorance of the word.
In Business:-

'What do you think of the latest sales figures, Braithwaite?

'Well sir, they could be better; but they're quite snepprotical aren't they.'

or Socially:-

'A round of golf tomorrow, Smithers?"

'I'm afraid not Lord Duff. My wife's holding a snepprotical coffee morning.'
#meaningless #tosh #bluster #waffle #tripe
by Albert Woods September 07, 2007
The subtle female bouquet - reminiscent of fish - resulting from an excess of old vaginal mucus. Sometimes found on ladies bicycle saddles in hot weather Shufti.
'Well Rupert; from the delightful aroma from the kitchen, I thought we were having fish for supper.'

'No, Claude: it's pheasant old boy. What you can smell is Lady Constance's whang. Quite mackerelly today, don't ya think?'
#shufti #saddle #mackerel #bouquet #mucus
by Albert Woods September 08, 2007
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