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1 definition by "Leonardo" Allman

 
1.
DEFENITION 1.
Pronoun, Eme-Oh-Band:The plural tense of Emo; effectively identical to the word "Emos." The emos that are not entirely shunned by every other natural life form on God's Green Earth will automatically congregate into these gatherings. It is a natural instinct, and thus far not one emo that is capable of basic human interaction has been proven to exist outside of a band. Scientists have determined that even in the case of the elimination of one or more sensory organs, an emo is still fully capable of seeking out and finding a band. After much debate and the deft amputation of perhaps more emo eyes and fingers than is truly necessary, science has begun to unravel why. The currently accepted explanation to this odd natural phenomena is that the minds of emos think and work as a collective, much in the same way as bees or ants. The social structure of an emo band is staggeringly close to that of a beehive or anthill, which not only contributes to the hivemind theory, but also to the widely held belief that emos are not mammals at all, but instead very large, color-challenged insects. This would explain why it is socially acceptable to abuse emos, as insects are excempt from the majority animal cruelty laws.

A few crucial differences *must* be ascertained between the emo band and the hives of other insects, though, to fully understand the concept:

WORK HABITS OF THE EMO BAND: Ants and Bees work constantly, only stopping, literally, to die; emos are utterly incapable of work, and tests carefully constructed to allow emos the capability have failed utterly because, apparently, emos are also utterly UNWILLING to work.

SOCIAL STRUCTURE OF AN EMO BAND: Ants' and Bees' social structures revolve around their Queen. Not only do emos find the concept of political authority alien and detestable, but anyone who even looks at an emo will know that their entire social structure revolves around their social structure. If the heirarchies within other common humanoid animals, such as chimpanzees, gibbons, residents of Los Angeles, or gorillas, are examined, a graph would resemble nothing so much as a pyramid topped by the most charismatic or wealthy. The social structure of an emo band is built more like one giant self-cutting doughnut.

EMO BAND RELIGION (GENERAL): Emo bands technically can exist within human religious structures, but rarely do. Emo bands have a religion erratic enough to match the convoluted social doughnut that defines them. Research has not confirmed whether emo religion reveres or simply BELIEVES in the divine, as not only would revering the devine mean that the creature would have one less subject to bitch about; it would also require that it recognize something more important than itself.

COMMON EMO BAND RELIGIONS: Note that all common religions that emo bands operate in bear closer resemblance to a cult than to a human religion; this is assumed for all of the following.

Defyparentus- An emo following this ideology takes to worshipping anything that acts directly contrary to the parents that unwittingly spawned it. This leads to the creature being grounded, which in turn leads to either the slow and painful process of mutating into a human, or to the immediate rejection of Defyparentus and conversion to Frantikforatenshunism.

Consumerschism-A very common belief compared to the other religions. This involves buying as much emo gear for the band as is within the boundaries of the parent's credit card. The band will then engage in a prayer, which is typically a song about fighting the evil corporations that just ripped them off 300+ Washingtons. Typical Sects of Consumerschism revolve around the makers of black clothing, hair dye, painkillers, and the C'thulhu like archdemon that secretly wears Fall Out Boy, My Chemical Romance, and Panic! at the Disco like pasty, talentless finger puppets.

Franticforattentionism- A confounding religion that does not actively recruit, but instead just garners worshippers of its own accord. The entire dedication of this religion is to the act of self-mutilation. Unlike the Medieval Flaggelants of Christianity, this is not done so much to repent in the eyes of some higher being as to become the center of focus of as many beings, higher or lower, as possible. If attempts fail, the emo's fragile brain (it is unknown whether this figure of speech is acceptable, as the emo brain is nothing so much as a small preprogrammed response organ, actually located somewhere along where a human's spine, another thing that emos do not have, would be) will snap, and it will commit suicide in an act of desperation, incapable that the feeling of importance is unattainable when one has slit one's jugular and/or wrist. Exterminators that specialize in the removal of emo band hives (informally known as garages) consider this religion a godsend as it saves them the cost of railgun ammo.

Inconvenientredstain- A radical sect of Franticforattentionism that resembles Consumerschism in that it makes a corporation, in this case the packagers of razor blades, ludicrously wealthy. In this case, exterminators still are spared expense, but any stainable surfaces within ten feet of a worshipper are constantly at risk of irreversibly turning red.

Ohemgeevagina!- This religion is never spelled without an exclamation point. Its church echoes the emo band structure by forming a massive doughnut of despair. This time, however, the center of the doughnut is filled by a half-decent-looking human girl who wanted to try the emo lifestyle, just for a bit. Human girls need to be warned of the risks; Emo bands may be weak as individuals, but when their hivemind is fully operational, she will be trapped in an ever-closing circle of poor, pathetic emos whose lives now revolve around her because maybe, just maybe, an emo could get lucky (note that because of the hivemind, the entire band will still be appeased at the loss of one of its thrall's virginity). The girl will have to put up with feigning apathy whilst hiding the fact that she intends to escape from her inhuman captors. The most successful method of escape is simply mating with one of the emos; this already-repugnant method is TEMPORARY, though, and will likely result in the chosen emo following her around like a pet, telling her everything that she does not want to know about him/it except for the selectively ommited fact that he/it masturbates regularly to her picture. Should she show any sign of fading interest in her pet, it will instantly become a Franticforattentionist until she either pays attention to it or it dies. An informed young woman should know that there is nothing wrong with the last one, no matter how much more sad the other emos will get. They may bitch, but the effect of a suicide within the emo band may invariably effect the hivemind and, if she's lucky, make sure that the emo band is never going to bother her or anyone else again.
The second solution is considerably more fun than the first, as not only does it not require sex with a member of the band, but it is also easy and satisfying. In effect, the goal is to get as medieval-looking an instrument as possible (the most effective choice is something following the basic structure of a warmace, but an improvised axe or halberd also functions nicely) and proceed to answer anything so sexual as an innuendo with a strategically calculated blow the sickeningly pale jawline. This process is to be repeated until escape from the band. If preferrable, the woman need not stop killing the emos the moment escape is possible

EMO PURPOSE: This section is disproportionately brief, as no effective use has yet been found for an emo band. If anything, their lack of a place in the ecosystem presents a harder argument to advocates of Darwin's theory.

DEFENITION 2: An increasingly common type of harmful pollution produced as a byproduct of the music industry. This pollution is fatal to humans but emo bands of the 1st defenition's variety possess a natural immunity.
Def 1:
Jim: God dammit, Fred, I've tried everything but this emo band just keeps hovering around my garbage.
Fred: These things happens...emo bands pop up in my garden so often that I have the exterminator on SPEED DIAL!

Def 2:
Fucking hell! An emo band is blowing this way! Get the gasmasks, NOW!
by "Leonardo" Allman February 03, 2007